A Guide to Melbourne for West Coast fans

With Eagles fans descending on Melbourne this week for the Grand Final, here’s a helpful guide to the home of the world-famous Art Centre Spire.

Melbourne is a great city. It’s definitely in the top ten in Australia in my opinion, top five on a good day.

The people are sporadically friendly, the food expensive and we welcome your mining dollars with open arms.


There’s a saying in Melbourne, ‘if you don’t like the weather wait five minutes.’ Of course there is no guarantee you’d like the next set of weather.

This week looks good with what people are referring to as ‘Perth like weather’. I assume that means it’s not going to be like the cold dark nuclear winter we just went through.

It’s hard to convey how cold and miserable it’s been in Melbourne this winter to someone from Perth. We’ve just been in survival mode. Let’s just say reports of cannibalism aren’t just stories.

It’s going to be 25 degrees on Friday, 28 on the Grand Final and 30 on Sunday.

Public Transport

Melbourne is well serviced by public transport. Not that Melburnians think that. They act like they’re living in a third world country.

Melbourne’s iconic trams are fun to ride on for literally minutes.

Taxis are ok but will be hard to get on Grand Final night. Whatever you do don’t wait in a taxi rank. You’ll be there till the end of time. A taxi driver will know less about Melbourne’s geography than you.

Go to the edge of the city and hail one. You can use Uber too. All the kids are doing it and you get cheaper fares because they are completely unregulated and contribute nothing to infrastructure costs like Taxis do. That means big savings to you! Viva the internet revolution.

Trains are frequent and work fairly well by international standards if you don’t count a lot of countries.

There are lots of buses which Melburnians never use. They act like a bus is an unfashionable café, queuing instead for a train for hours, as several empty buses go past.

Yeah, Melburnians queue for cafes. They’re the worst.


Actually, MYKI is the worst.

It is the ticketing system for Melbourne’s public transport system. It is complex and works poorly. The good news is it was astoundingly expensive to put in place.

There are no single trip passes because why would you want to make things easy for tourists?

You’ll have to buy a card and top it up. This should only take you six or seven days to complete at one of the dozens of inconveniently located machines.

Don’t worry, Metro’s helpful ticket inspectors will menace you accordingly if you don’t have one.

Hating MYKI will make you feel like a real Melburnian.

Best bet is to go to Flinders Street station in the heart of the city and get them to sort you out there.


Melburnians are a cultured lot. We like coffee, cafés, cafés that serve coffee, cafés in alleyways and coffee.

We also have lots of alleys in Melbourne which are world famous apparently. We have amazing graffiti in them which we tell people it’s art because that’s way cheaper than cleaning them all the time.

Tourists actually come and photograph it. Alleys are not just for junkies and homeless people any more. Yay!

We have a real art gallery but why go there when you can look at something a 14-year-old private schoolboy has done?


The good news is that your failure to secede from the Federation means you can use the same currency in Melbourne as you do at home.

I wouldn’t recommend bring raw iron ore as currency. Melburnians haven’t been near a mine since the Gold Rush and don’t really like manual labour.

Melbourne is known as being very expensive but you come from Perth, which is so insanely expensive, you won’t really notice.


Melbourne has a thriving restaurant scene and you’ll be spoilt for choice.

Many restaurants in Melbourne have done away with bookings because convenience for the customer is a secondary consideration. If you can book early and book often.

Some restaurants actually laugh when you try to book with them, as if wanting to eat there somehow makes you some sort of idiot.

Seriously, you work in a restaurant, keep a lid on your superiority complex.

Melbourne Cricket Ground

The MCG is affectionately known as ‘The People’s Ground’. This is true if those people are the corporate elite.

During the game expect no phone coverage and long lines for food, drinks and the ATMs. Get cash before you go as it will be a nightmare to get it there. Also, get lots of cash. Rumours that food prices have been reduced are true but they’ve only been reduced to 2026 prices.

The MCG is near Jolimont station and Richmond station and a tram from the City will get you there too. It’s also just a ten to fifteen-minute walk from the city.

It is a great stadium and the crowd on Grand Final Day is amazing, so enjoy.


Melbourne has a wide range of places to be assaulted at night. It’s not as dangerous as a Fremantle game at Subiaco but it’s close in parts.

For convenience, Crown Casino has hired professional bouncers to assault you, which is thoughtful of them.

Melbourne’s lackadaisical alcohol laws mean getting a drink has never been easier. From small bars hidden behind dumpsters in alleys to the ‘my kids are locked in the car and this is my last $100’ glamour of the Casino, Melbourne has it all.

While overall it’s a safe city, best to be in a group late at night. Melbourne’s police while fairly ineffectual at reducing inner city assaults, recently changed their uniforms from blue to black. Focus on what you can change guys not on what you can’t.


Melbourne has a diverse range of people, from hipsters in the inner north, the beautiful people in the inner south, rich people in the eastern suburbs, poor people in the west and whoever lives in the outer suburbs.

One thing binds all these people together, apart from a deep hatred of MYKI, AFL football.

Melburnians are as crazy for it as they say. Not supporting AFL make you as popular as a terrorist sympathiser in the US.

As a visiting AFL fan, you will be greeted with a great deal of affection. This will also be boosted by the fact many Melburnians hate Hawthorn and will be supporting Eagles.

So welcome to Melbourne, the city near the home of Patrick Dangerfield.

Sign up to Titus O’Reily’s Electronic Mail Newsletter.


  1. Paul Newton

    I hope it’s s draw and they all have to spend a fortune to come over again the following weekend.

  2. Alex Cronis

    Absolute gold. Nick Boyd Mark Hamblyn Mathew Altamura

  3. Dallas Doolan

    The city near the home of Patrick Dangerfield. Fantastic!

  4. Gordon Blythe

    “Melbourne’s iconic trams are fun to ride on for literally minutes.”

  5. Lauren Ainsworth

    Tina Savidis second last line U0001f44cU0001f3fbU0001f44cU0001f3fb

  6. Christopher Hamilton

    David Healy Andrew Schilg this guy makes me chuckle U0001f602

  7. Dylan Chigwidden

    You just wanted me to read the bit about Dangerfield. Too soon.

  8. wingajanleviosa

    The city so obtrusively far away from the home of Patrick Dangerfield that it’s apparently not worth commuting to for an extra ~$800,000 a year.

  9. Sam Jeremic

    Yeah! That’ll teach the arseholes for spending money in Victoria and boosting its economy!

  10. Stephen East

    Jermayn Parker. Just in case you’re able to get over for the game.

  11. jeppepi

    TitusOReily “Rumours that food prices have been reduced are true but they’ve only been reduced to 2026 prices.” ha ha ha! Gold!

  12. Peter Jaeger

    Do we get another public holiday if thats the case?

  13. Marc Ohlmüs

    Particularly… “Some restaurants actually laugh when you try to book with them, as if wanting to eat there somehow makes you some sort of idiot.
    Seriously, you work in a restaurant, keep a lid on your superiority complex.”

  14. Matt Stammers

    Ashlee Richardson you’ll appreciate this guys gaffs.

  15. Simon Costa

    Not a bad read. Especially considering I’m that nervous that I can’t concentrate and have done nothing but shuffle papers at work today

  16. Michael Begg

    ‘Not as dangerous as a Freo game at Subiaco, but close’ hahaha.

  17. Troy Oliver

    Haha maybe better let someone else take the wheel tonight! What time you reckon you’ll get in tomorrow?

  18. Simon Costa

    Not leaving until early tomorrow morning so should be settled by then. Hopefully arrive about 4 or 5pm depending on how many stops we make. Guessing you’re already there?

  19. Troy Oliver

    Yeah got in this morning. Where’d you end up staying? We’ll probably do dinner/beers tomorrow before the footy show somewhere in the city if you’re keen? Will give you a buzz later today – don’t work too hard!!

  20. Nick West

    Harry Breidahl good article to show your mates next time there down.

  21. Colin Eddison

    I get in at 7:30 tonight. You guys wanna join in the Thursday night carnage?

  22. Troy Oliver

    We’re going to the footy show but will give you a buzz after and see if the carnage is still happening.
    Also, what Costa said haha

  23. Ben Tong

    “I wouldn’t recommend bring raw iron ore as currency.” Hahahaha

  24. Nick Millard

    Jebb Francis-Staite John Bell. Read the myki bit. Ridiculously true. Classic read too

  25. Tim Soutar

    Alexandra Clare Katina Bacopanos for your information

  26. Mitch Scott

    Bonny Scott, a good take on Melbourne. How much is on your MYKI again? Molly Affolter

  27. Nicky Pearce

    Funny Rad only one thing I would address – Perth is pretty violent actually … Remember that killer they never caught in ritzy night club area who killed all those girls? Couple this with recent crowd actions at subiaco & I think wa supporters can probably handle themselves adequately enough for Melbourne town

  28. Bonny Scott

    Haha ah yes very good, the culture part is the best 😉

  29. Alexandra Swifte

    Sophie Ducrou Georgie Brice some good lines in here U0001f609

  30. Bonny Scott

    Also my myki could probably do with some more money on it haha

  31. Alexandra Swifte

    I just can’t believe no mention was made of your ridiculous grand final public holiday !!

  32. Maria Dournova

    Anna – something to help you learn about Melbourne some more

  33. AussieNotables

    TitusOReily Would the East-West Link have saved them those exhorbitant air fairs?

  34. JasmineRichwol

    TitusOReily of all the articles you’ve ever written, this one reigns supreme. For real.

  35. ruskijp

    TitusOReily as a west coast supporter who lives in Melbourne I’ve been on the look out to look after fellow Perthians

  36. cammudge

    TitusOReily the best piece I’ve read in ages! #hilarious

  37. Richard Gough

    Gold: Melburnians are a cultured lot. We like coffee, cafés, cafés that serve coffee, cafés in alleyways and coffee.

  38. Janelle McMillan

    You have been rather nice on sending this article. …….I’m waiting for something evil to pop up.
    I did like the last comments the most.
    “As a visiting AFL fan, you will be greeted with a great deal of affection. This will also be boosted by the fact many Melburnians hate Hawthorn and will be supporting Eagles.”
    Is Hawthorn the new Collingwood?

  39. Euan McDonald-Madden

    Brian Murphy Matthew Blashki Tim Hudson so gold

  40. Bonjour_Pippy

    TitusOReily Goo guide, perhaps not being able to book restaurants will put the off Melbourne!

  41. Bonjour_Pippy

    TitusOReily Re write! Great guide, non booking restaurant policy here might put them off!

  42. ShaneWMurphy

    TitusOReily Hey Titus I hear there are actually TWO teams in the GF this year?!? Is that true? Can you tell from the papers over there?

  43. FishLens

    Further advice for sandgropers is to drive across the nullabor as that will save time on the taxi / sky bus trip to / from Tullamarine Airport.

  44. Mick_EFC

    No Collingwood is still Collingwood but Hawthorn is arrogant and successful and quite frankly we’re sick of it! GO EAGLES!!!

  45. MacHawk

    Ha ha… I was in Melbourne last year to see my cousin and my beloved Hawks smash her boyfriends beloved Pies and sing the Hawks anthem all the way back to his place while he was sulking horribly and my cousin was laughing… but that isn’t the point…. the point is that the friggin MYK system of getting a ticket to get somewhere else was a nightmare…. yeah, so this was a good laugh…. and now I don’t have to feel so stupid.

  46. MacHawk

    Mick_EFC Chuckle, giggle. he who laughs last , laughs the longest.

  47. MacHawk

    I get it…. but queuing for coffee in the cold ? Is that because there are cafés it is cool to be seen in as against nice cafés that just serve good coffee?

Leave a Comment